I've been sitting here...

trying to decide what to write and nothing seems to come out right so i'll just ramble...

we are such a blessed family.  we have allie and wouldn't change that for the world.  she is an amazingly smart, funny, energetic, and social little girl who lights up our life.  we are so unbelievably thankful for her.  there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about what her birthfamily had to give up so that we could have a daughter.  allie is our first miracle who has an amazing story that we will one day share completely with her. 

i have an unbelievable amount of guilt right now.  i know how lucky we are to have allie and for her adoption to have gone so smoothly and relatively quickly.  i feel as though i should be able to give this whole process over to God and trust in him.  i feel as though grieving this loss that we are enduring right now is saying that i don't appreciate what i have.  i feel like every time i catch myself getting sad and scared about the changes that are taking place that i'm not thinking about the good that can come out of the changes that are taking place.  i feel as though i should be able to just sit back and see what actually happens...however it's just not that easy.  i'm not sure that i've ever felt as many emotions at once (guilt and fear being the top two) as i have in the past week or so and to put it bluntly, i don't know what to do with them all. 

people have asked if we will switch to another program and all i can say is that my baby is in Ethiopia...